Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Only Time Will Tell

I knew going back to school would have an impact on my time… It’s sort of a given… What I was unprepared for was what that lack of time would mean to my relationships…

Making school a priority means that other things slip in terms of the attention that you give them… That’s not say that school is the only priority but for me the balance has shifted in my life until May 2012… And I’m ok with that…

You make tradeoffs that come with consequences… These can be positive or negative… I am hopeful that the positive outweighs the negative at the end of the day… I know for me even when school is enough to send me into a fetal position (literally or figuratively) I wouldn’t change my decision for anything... I've learned too much both…

Given the time that school requires, I find myself missing time spent with friends… I have missed more weddings, parties and important life events than I would care to but even more striking are the little life moments I miss… the time I used to have to pick up the phone and just spend an hour catching up with what is happening in people’s lives… the “hey, let’s get a cocktail” moments (which let’s be honest I still make time for but it’s just different…)

Some people get it… Others have a harder time… I guess for me it’s just important that the people who I care about know that just because I can’t always be there in person or on the phone, it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss them or want to know how they are… If I hurt your feelings because I’m not who I have always been, it’s not intentional… it’s just how things are… It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you… It’s not that you mean any less to me… I can only hope in the interim, I don’t come to mean less to you…

Someone once said that friends are the family we choose. I believe this. And am thankful for that family every day.


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I’m at the tail end of a 12-hour trip to get to San Diego. And yes I have used every mode of transportation at my disposal… Trains are one of my favorite ways to travel… They allow for contemplation that I don’t always make time for… Even in undergrad, although the train was more expensive, it was so much better than the bus (ACK!!!) and I could study without getting nauseous or having an hour delay in Breezewood… FTR, I think AMTRAK conductors were nicer then than they are now… but that might just be another difference between Los Angeles and Pennsylvania… It can’t be easy to be a mousy blonde size 22 in the city of angels… Oh my… that WAS my outside voice…

This train ride allows me to gain some perspective (between reading business cases) on what family means and what is important about it… Family by the most traditional of definitions… It’s intergenerational… and multi-generational… At the end of the day, it’s not only about blood but who you love and who loves you…

In many ways, my grandparents are my parents… If you’ve read this blog before, you know this… I love that the generations are mixed and get a little thrill of pride when people say I am my “grandmother’s daughter”… This trip is for my grandfather who is ill again…

10+ years ago when they relocated from the East Coast to San Diego, I was forced to come to terms with the fact that when they became ill, they would no longer be only a 2 hour car ride away for me to get to them… (Yes I have made it from DC to Harrisburg in less than 2 hours but we don’t need to share how often that happened… shhhhhh) What I also did those many odd years ago was make a deal with myself that when they needed me for support, I would be there hence the trip this time…

A week ago we were not sure that he would survive this latest fall, but he has once again surprised the docs and us… He’s in rehab currently and showing good progress, but I have to wonder how many “miracle” recoveries a body can make… I am thankful for this one… It’s about quality and not quantity at this point so 3 days will be filled with love and moral support (I think that should be “morale” since I have no business dealing with morality at this point… nor mortality… Good lord but I am tired…) Monday will be a day of harder conversations with the social worker and other caregivers to determine how we can help ensure that both of them are getting the care they need...

Love your family and “family” as much as you can… Even when you don’t always like them, you can still love them… and never forget that you have the capacity to expand family well beyond the blood ties...